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For my updated daily journal.

Today was nice, especially because I wasn’t expecting to see him today. He spent the morning at the SS office. I was supposed to spend the morning in an HIV class but blew it off. I did however get a few nice texts from him this morning. Saying he needed to see me today, I asked what he needed and he proceeded to tell me he needed me about six times.

Hubby: I’m gonna need you to bring me some $ I’m still at SS and theres no end in sight. Please text me when you can.

Me: What do you need?

Hubby: U $ Lunch

Me: U $ Lunch?

Hubby: Yes. You. Some $. Some lunch.

Hubby: I need you!

Hubby: I need some $

Hubby: I need some lunch

Hubby: I need some love

Me: Well the love I got.

Hubby: Then you have everything!

I love when he’s silly like that, its when I know he’s okay and he’s making it through. I stopped and bought him some Subway and stopped at the program real quick. There the boy who had been in front of me in line was kneeling behind his truck puking his methadone back up into a small tubber wear container. Disgusting. I don’t even want to know what he was planning on doing with that. I mean I know sometimes people spit it back out, or put a small piece of sponge in their mouth to soak it up and then squeeze it back into the bottom…. the those were always in my mind when thinking about buying methadone. I wouldn’t buy it unless it was a sealed take home. But then of course theres the people who use a needle to draw out half the meth and squirt water back in, you never know.

Anyway I met him down outside the SS building and he got in the car silly and starving! Trying to tell me about his day while stuffing his face with his turkey melt and the gummy worms I bought him.

We sat in the car for a while and had one of our recovery talks. I count on those. I need those. I’m not doing meetings or groups right now and those talks are the most therapy I get in a day. We talked about his bipolar and I finally told him about getting high with Leah. He knew, but I finally told him. I also told him about how I was telling myself I was only getting high while I was on the program because I was waiting for him to start a program and once he did I would be able to stop just fine - which obviously by the fact he has almost three weeks clean and I have six days wasn’t the case. I told him about some of my demons. Told him that last night my mother told me I was riding Hubbys coat tails and she was worried about me. This also brought out a discussion about my oppositional defiant disorder. That is something I’ve had so much trouble with due to many people not believing it exists. However when I will willingly and knowingly hurt and punish myself in order to punish an authority figure - it takes rebellion to a whole new and sick level.

We didn’t have too much time but I was happy just to get to see him today but I didn’t think that I was going to be able to. And I need our little conversations in order to stay on track. I took him back to another building where he had his afternoon groups and he commented about someone disrespecting his religion, Muslim, and we laughed at his displeasure and he kissed me goodbye and I couldn’t resist yelling out to him as he walked away to be good, to behave.

Me: Be good! I’m watching you! I’m so proud of you. I love you. So glad I got to see you today, thank u for penciling me in.

Hubby: I love you more.

Oh my god… so I definitely just typed out a LONG entry and it magiclly dissapeared on me. FUCK!

So lets see what I can remember…

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

I love Sundays, they are the one day a week I am able to sleep in. Weekdays belong to my husband and to Baltimore Behavioral Health and Saturday mornings you can find me with every other attempting recovery junky in the tri county/city area; sleepless, grumpy and cold standing outside the program waiting to be medicated. Except for the fact that since I got insurance (love PAC) I am now a member of MBAT the more privileged of the two sides of the program. There is MBAT and there is Awakenings. Awakenings has about five times the clients therefore on Saturday mornings when there is a one hour window time in the morning to get your medication, those who are members of Awakenings typically have to wait in a line that takes about an hour and ahalf to get your medication and your take home for Sunday. MBAT however, if you get there in the first half hour you’re in and out, if you get there later than that you may have to wait about fifteen minutes, much better than Awakenings.

Typically, weekends he spends with his family but this particular Sunday, he said he was going to spend with me. He said, “I can only take so much bad news.” In order however to explain Sunday, I have to go back to Saturday and to the text I recieved from him somewhere after one am.

I had gone to bed early, was enjoying the brand new bed set and comforter and extremely high thread count I had just purchased that evening at someplace other than Walmart, when I woke up to my Inconito alerting me to a new text message. I was more than half asleep and couldn’t stop the teenage giggle that escaped my lips at the sight of a picture of my husbands cock.

Him: (with picture of junk) how cute is he?

Me: 8-O is that for me?

Him: But of course love!

Me: You’re bad. Wish I was there.

Him: I doubt you’d wanna be here, but I’d kill to have you here with me.

Me: I’d go anywhere you are. Bring him with you tomorrow poppa, please.

Him: Sure thing.

Me: Yummy! Lucky me! I love you.

So after this conversation, a picture I had seen recently on a friends twitter popped into my head. This particular friend is the front man for a popular band, what are they called pop punk I guess? Alternative? Whichever. On his twitter he had posted the question, “should this be the next band t-shirt design?” I clicked on the link expecting to actually see a serious design. Instead I came across:

I don’t know what it is about this particular penis that turns me off so much, or just physically disust me so much. The veins, the greasy crusty look, the odd shape… I don’t know but after seeing this and recieving the picture of my husband that I did - and that I seriously wish that I could post on here but out of respect for him I wont - I became very aware of how aestheticly pleasing my husbands junk is. Such a nice golden brown color as he is Peurto Rican, his size and shape being quite perfect, only one small piece of a vein that makes itself known… really he has a beautiful cock.

And so these were the things I was thinking of as I fell off to sleep Saturday night, and so I slept in Sunday.

However I did finally find my way to Hubby and back to my house where we ate snacks and watched movies and after a certain amount of time I found my thigh draped over his and my hand continually tracing his zipper… finally he got up and locked the door and instead of returning to lay next to me he turned and pounced his lips finding my neck like a pig on shit. (I’m sure I could have found a more romantic metaphor but not one so fitting.)

I won’t go into graphic detail about the incredible time we had “putting a dent in it” (thanks mommom for that term) but I will say this: Our sex life has always been great, my husband is a god send in that department. Many people have been known to say Peurto Ricans aren’t good for nothing but eating pussy but I have to really say Hubby can do it all. And I mean it all. So its always good. Therefore if you had told me that even our sex life would have improved when we got clean, I would have laughed.

I don’t think I had enough breath left in me to laugh when he finished. I can’t put my finger on what was different but it was different. Like I said its always good but something… I don’t know. Its like he was there more, he was with me more, he was enjoying me more instead of both of us doing what we’re good at and making the other cum. It was like instead of showing off for the other, we were being with the other. I’m not sure how to explain. I am however sure of your lack of interest.

Regardless, there was one thing we did that we don’t usually do. He finished. Well, thats a lie he always finishes, just not inside of me. Which is why when he decided to say over and over “that was bad” after the fact but while still…. well, on and inside of me, I was for a moment quite taken back and a bit offended until I realized what he was saying was so bad. Feeling quite manly however I simply smacked his bare ass, said “We’ve done worse” and pushed him off of me and reached for a cigarette.

A few moments later my mother came back in the room and squeezed in between me and the wall and I couldn’t help but wonder if she was lying in a wet spot.

I took hubby home that night feeling particularly close to him and relaxed. I noticed our body language in my car as we leaned almost in to each other as he drove and I chain smoked and thought if this was what clean nights were going to be like consider me ten years into recovery!

It was good…. it was great. It was amazing.

As far as the mistake… I’m about three days (if that) before getting my period so the chances of us getting our pregnant are pretty slim. I do have to add a small note of dissapointment here, I do want children and I do want them with him and if I found out I was pregnant I can’t promise to be upset but I know its for the best to wait. I am not quite clean enough…

Saturday was hard.

I arrived at the halfway house to pick him up and he asked if I would take his house manager to the market first, this being the man who convinced him to stay the night he was ready to leave, I obviously obliged. On return to the house, his manager thanked me went back inside and then came out and told me to call Hubbys phone because he had called out to him but he hadn’t answered. I called twice, got no answer, texted got no answer, and a few minutes later he came out.

He asked if I had called the house phone - I hadn’t, it had been his mother, so sitting in the car he called his mom back. After a few words he stepped out of the car, walked inside and came back out off the phone. At first I didn’t realize anything was wrong, until he got in, slammed the door and I realized he was crying.

Now let me tell you something about my husband. When he was eighteen he went to jail for… well, its not my place to broadcast why he was in jail but he stayed from the time he was 18 until he was 25, surprisingly it wasn’t longer -  much longer. Anyway he grew up in jail. He returned after that a few times. He became a man, in jail. He is a hard ass. He does not believe in showing alot of emotion and granted I am his wife and I have seen him cry, he doesn’t do it often. So I was shocked when he got in the car in tears. I asked him a few times what was wrong and he didn’t asnwer so I shut up. He’ll talk when ready and he did.

His mother asked where he was. He said just leaving his house. She said, I just called they said you left ten minutes ago why are you lieing to me?!

I know this doesn’t seem like much, but it was so shocking. His mother is far from soft spoken - I blame the Puerto Rican blood - but she never speaks to him like that! That coupled with everything else going on at home - just got to him. It culminated in a teary ride to his mothers house. I got emotional too. I felt bad because it didn’t help but I CANNOT stand to see him working so hard and to still be hurt like that.

“Can’t she lie to me just once?!”

Anyway - I took him to his mothers, which I wasn’t crazy about the idea but he needed to see his son and they had a good visit. She couldn’t take him back this time, so I did and when I got to the house to get him something amazing happened. She invited me in! She actually spoke to me! Now don’t get me wrong she’ll aknowledge me, nod or head or say hello but she’s never really spoken to me. She wasn’t crazy about the idea of him being with someone who also got high. Granted we both get high just fine on our own we dont need anyones help. But its just easy to scapegoat. But that night she asked me in, twice because I hesitated the first time I was in such shock and continued to talk to me about what a great movie Avatar was, she even said goodbye! He told me in the car that he had a lonnng talk with her, I was included in that chat.

He was in a much better mood when I brought him home though. I don’t even remember what I did Saturday, I know I worked out, I know I was worried about him the whole time. I know I didnt get high… I know that Sunday was amazing…

Sunday - that is a whole different post!

Didn’t use again. Tomorrow will be four days. I really want to not be too far behind Hubbys clean date. Granted on the 25th he’ll have thirty days and I’ll have two weeks and a day. But two weeks isn’t bad. I don’t want it to be months.

I picked him up early and we stopped for breakfast. Came home and talked for a while, theres some things going on with his family, that being probably the only thing I won’t talk about here, he’s a very private person. We also talked about that. I asked if he was sharing in groups because he is a VERY private person. He says he is and I’m really happy about that. Theres thing he doesn’t even like to talk to me about, he will, but its like pulling teeth. I do my best to be patient but at the same time caring. I want to give him his space but not seem like I don’t care. After we talked, we both fell asleep, early mornings are not my friend and they get up at four thirty at the halfway house. Well, five thirty but he takes a shower so he’s gotta get up early to get a turn. We actually over slept. It was a rainy day and we both sleep better together in my big bed. I can never sleep without him, with him I just feel safe and content. He sleeps in a big room on a twin beat up bed with three other guys - three other guys in the room, not the bed haha, one of whom snores real bad. So we over slept a bit but we got him back on time.

One of the guys he’s living with, Darell is SO awesome. I don’t know much about him, I’ve met him a few times, but he lives with Hubby and they spend alot of time together and he helps my Hubby out alot. He says that Darell can tell when hes in a bad mood or a good mood when his days are good or bad, when his medication is working or not. They walk together from the house to eat and back and whatnot because there SO many dope boys in that neighborhood. Everyday I go down there to see him they try to call out to me and the times I’ve left with Hubby they run at the car. So Darell and Hubby walk together and look out for each other. Hub tells him when he’s feeling weak or has cravings.

One time I picked up Hubby early on a weekend and Darell didn’t know that I had picked him up, so he called to make sure he was okay, to make sure he wasnt out wandering on his own. And today when we were late getting back Darell called to make sure he hadn’t decided not to come back or something. I love it. Hubby and I have gone through so many “friends” who have used us for our connections or the fact that we drive or money or whatever. So to actually have someone in his life who really cares and is looking out for his well being, I’ve never known that to happen. As long as I’ve known him its just been us. And I am so glad that he has someone down there with him. It cuts my worrying in half knowing this person is looking out for him, knowing hes not down there alone. Knowing that if he did flip out and for whatever reason NOT call me as he did that one time he wanted to leave, Darell would be blowing his phone up.

God that scared me. That day he called me and told me to come get him. He was mad at me, his other friend down there Rel had left the program, he got into it with the food service lady… he called me and said come get him. I said alright. I hung up. I decided I would go down there but wouldn’t get him without talking. He called back and said his house manager wanted to talk to him and when I got another call back it was his house manager asking me to come pick up his cell phone. They aren’t supposed to have phones and the lunch lady saw him with it when he called me to come get him. He did say he was okay though and had decided to stay. I went down and got the phone and he said he was staying and we got through it.

That showed so much growth. Because usually when his mind is made up thats it. He wont talk to anyone, let alone a person of authority. So him being willing to talk showed huge growth and him being open enough to listen to someone and actually stay - wow. It showed SO much change in such a short period of time.

He wants this so bad. I am so so happy. I mean I knew when he made the call to go and when he went, because he expressed so openly many times how much he hates meetings and sharing and really he is SO particular about who he shares his living spcae with. So moving into this place was totally everything he hates. The fact that he calls the house a blessing and has shown so much growth… amazing.

He also brought me two movies from the house - Taken which I had been dying to see and Couples Retreat. Taken was amazing and Couples Retreat I’m watching now - it is beautiful on this island! Wow. He also has Jennifers Body and he knows I am IN LOVE with Megan Fox and want to see that too.

Tomorrow is the weekend which means he’ll be spending the day with his kids. Bah… I miss him but its his kids. That just means I’ll be at the gym all day and hopefully having time to get my car fixed.

Its been two days since I’ve gotten high. Hubby doesn’t know. Well, I think he knows I haven’t been clean since he has, we don’t have the same clean date, but I don’t think he realizes how often I used last week. Leah called every night for about a week needing me to get dope for her and I told her the only way I could get it would be if she bought me three pills, which is ridiculous! No one does that! But she did, about six times in a row, six days in a row. I kept thinking theres no way she would keep doing it but she did. Always finding an excuse, the monster in me.

One of those days during the hours Hubby and I were visiting, he said he wanted to get high. Theres no way I would get high with him, no way I would let him or help him get high, hes working too hard and he falls too hard. I’m on the methadone, up to 80 but I gotta go higher, so I don’t get sick but once he gets hooked and starts getting sick its over, he won’t detox again. I did everything I could to make him think of something else. But he didn’t want to think of anything else. Finally I picked up my phone and told him I was deleting all the drug dealers numbers. All of this while sitting in my car on a beautiful day in my driveway.

Truth is I just changed all the names, so if he looked he couldn’t find the numbers. But I know they’re still there. Right after I did that he took a suboxone, a pill some take to get off of heroin, it helps with withdraws and cravings and you CANNOT mix it with heroin or you get violently ill. Once you get ill like that, worse than any withdraw you never will mix dope and subs. Once he took it he knew he couldn’t use heroin for another twelve hours at least, twelve to twenty-four. I was so proud of him for doing that.

But of course I went out with Leah that night and got high. Today is the second day I haven’t done anything. I need to give a clean urine at the program too before they kick me out. Then I’m really screwed, but my counseler is pretty cool and I think she’s on my side. I think she’d give me another chance. Leah called tonight but I told her the dealers weren’t around when really I never even called them. I have a real hard problem saying no to people. I always have.

I was really scared when he wanted to use though. I thought he was going to. I made him say what he was thinking out loud, this is how the conversation went, sitting in my car in the driveway of my house on a beautiful spring like day in March:

Me: Do you wanna go for a ride since its nice out?
Him: No Mel, I wanna get high cos its nice out!
Long Pause. Me: You don’t want to leave the program right?
Him: No, I’m going back.
Me: You just wanna do one pill?
Him: Yes.
Me: And then what?
Him: Go back to the house.
Me: You’re gonna do one pill and go back to the house.
Him: Yes.
Me: And you’re not going to do anymore?
Him: Yes Mel.
Me: So you’re going to do a pill, go back to your halfway house and not have anymore cravings or want to do anymore pills? And tomorrow you’ll be fine.
Him: Right.
Me: You know thats your monster talking right?
Him: Yes.

That was yesterday right before he took the sub. I told him today I just wanted him to hear what he was thinking out loud. Hear how ridiculous it was. He knew it, I just wanted him to hear it. I was so proud of him for getting through that. He said he was grateful it was during the part of the day he was with me, because I know what hes going through, as I am more or less doing the same, and because I know how to handle him. I know not to be too in his face or too pushing or even talk to much, I know exactly how to handle him. He did say when he went back to the program he talked to someone about it too.

Hes doing so good. Graduated one of his mental health programs today which means now instead of having from eleven to one to visit we have from nine to one. Sucks I have to get up two hours earlier but the more time with him the better. Plus today we came back to the house and both fell asleep. I haven’t slept that sound in months. I always sleep safer and sound next to him. He said the same thing when I texted him to thank him for the nap. Said he can’t wait till tomorrow. I can’t wait either. Plus this weekend I’ll take him to see his kids, they’re in school while were visiting during the week but weekend visits I take him to his kids.

Last weekend he couldn’t stop thanking me for taking him to his kids. I appriciate being appriciated. But at the same time, those are his kids. I told him years ago I’d never ask to be put before his kids and anytime he wanted to be with them just to let me know and I would do anything in my power to make it happen. Before we started dating, when he was living in that basement in East Baltimore, he rarley saw his kids. He wasn’t even allowed in his mothers home. Since we started dating, he started staying at home more and eventually stopped living in that basement in East Baltimore and moved in with me in the county and would go home on weekends. Which eventually led to him moving back in with his kids and mother. I couldnt be happier.

So last weekend he thanked me again and again. Yeah I hate not getting to spend more time with him during the weekend, just the few minutes we have on the way to his moms, but thats okay, because he needs to be with his family. I would never ask to come first. I told him, I am glad that he appriciates it and don’t mean to come off ungrateful for his appriciation but taking him to his family it just like taking him back to the program at one during the week, its just something we do. Its not a choice its a half too. His kids and his niece love him so much. I could never ask to take that away from him. And it makes him so happy to finally be the father he can be. I swear if my father had been a piece of the man he is I wouldnt have grown up the way I have. Hubby is such an amazing father, even at his worst he was always a father first. I cannot wait to see the father and man he is clean.

I don’t know what we’re doing tomorrow, but I was so grateful to have the sleep that I had tonight. I barley even dreamt.

I’m glad I didn’t get high tonight. Well, on this much meth I don’t get high anyway. But I hate it, I don’t even feel it on the meth but some nights I can stopped myself. I need to get back into the rooms. I don’t know why I’m putting it off. Maybe now with my computer back from the pawn shop I can look up the old meetings I used to go to. Hubby is doing so much I really want to do the same. I want him to be as proud of me as I am of him. I hope Leah stops calling, cos I’m not strong enough to tell her no yet. I deleted her number from my phone, I can’t call her, but she still calls me…

The first time this song came on the radio, Trust by Keisha Cole he said it reminded him of me, and us…

“I know you’ve seen a lot of things in your life, it got you feeling like this can’t be right, but, I won’t hurt you; I’m down for you baby. I trust you, I love you, I want you, I need you. Baby I breathe you, never leave you, life wouldn’t be the same without you.”

I like her, the first time I heard Heaven Hubby turned to me and smiled and asked if Id ever heard a song that just fit like a glove it was so right? I’ll never forget that.

I guess I should have started this blog a few weeks back… lets see, I believe it was February 22 of this year that it all started. My husband and I finally hit rock bottom a few months back… I just typed out a long paragraph trying to convey our bottom but you really can’t understand what rock bottom really is until you hit it. That desperation, you can’t know, until you’ve lived it, as many have. Also, I believe its impossible to understand anyone elses bottom.

I thought I’ve hit bottoms before, but no matter how lowly life got for me, jails, rehabs, institutions, I always had my family and my “husband”. (We aren’t legally married but more often than not he will refer to me as his wife and I to him as my husband.) However the way things were falling for the last year, since May 2009 when my hubby came home from the latest of our visits to jail. We had been arrested together in December 2008 for felony distribution charges. I landed in county with a $100,000 bail and my hubby was right next to me on a no bail. Fortunetly for me my bail was lowered at bail review and posted. Hubby wasn’t so lucky and waited seven months for a court date. His date came before mine and he was sentenced to a year probation. When my date came, thanks to a case against the state of North Carolina a new Supereme Court law was passed than any evidence found on a persons or in their possesion, IE in my car, after any of the arestees were in custody in a police car, was inadmissable. This law was passed after my husbands court date and before mine, therefor all my chargers were nolle prosed - dropped.

After hubby came home, seven months clean, it wasn’t hours before we were shooting up together and things just plummeted from there. Our realtionship however, was better than it had ever been. Before we had been arrested we ran through east Baltimore selling and doing drugs. Hubby and crack - don’t mix. He’d be up for weeks at time, hear voices, see things, and I was the enemy. He was convinced I was cheating on him, swore he saw me whispering and laughing at him. Things that never happened. All of this culminating one night he sat behind me in my car with a knife at my throat convinced I had sent thugs to his house to tie up his kids and kill him. Ironicly, while we sat in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic in the dark in the rain, we were hit from behind. Which was exactly what he said was going to happen. Someone would hit us and then they would rush out and kill him. I couldn’t believe it actually happened! After we were hit was when he put the knife to my throat. I was on the phone with my mother the whole time telling her I was scared. He even told her he was going to kill me.

This ended in me pulling the car into a gas station parking lot and jumping out for my life, begging him to just take the car and let me go. Part of the reason he agreed to this I’m sure was the fact that I pulled into the lot and next to a police officer.

He wasn’t himself. And I defend him and that night to no end. He had not slept in over a week and was suffering horrible dillusions. My greatest fear was that he wouldn’t be able to come back from that snap. He did. This was only days before our arrest and those months he spent in jail, were a God send. We both know that the arrest happened for a reason. I used to pray every night for a break, that wasn’t the break I expected, but it worked nonetheless.

During those seven months Hubby sent me countless love letters and cards, he had become once again the man I fell in love with, not the crack head who was so abusive to me. I understood what no one else did, the crack was not a veil to wear so that he could abuse me, it was the reason he abused me. It was the reason he changed. Its hard to convince anyone that he isn’t that person on paper, but let me put to you like this: my mother is my best friends, my protector and after that night he had a knife to my throat she dispised him. She hated him. She wanted him dead. And she was shocked that I didn’t end it. She was shocked that I took his calls the next day. I didn’t see the monster she saw, I saw the scared, alone, panicked little boy that he was. I couldn’t leave him alone. Everyone in his life at one point, including his mother, had turned their backs on him. At one point in our realtionship during a big fight I threatened to leave, he turned to me, screaming.

“Go ahead! My own mother left me, what the fuck can you do that no one has done to me before?!” He was shirtless, crack pipe in hand as he yelled at me.

I stared at him for a second, something that always bugged him because I could always maintain eye contact no matter what he screamed at me, and then I put my keys on the table and sat down.

“Stay,” I said. “I can stay. I’m not leaving you. I’m not giving up on you.”

And I didn’t, and I never word. And so the day after he held a knife to my throat and told my mother he was going to gut me like a pig, I answered his calls. I went and picked him up from inner East Baltimore much to my mothers distain. Distain isn’t quite the word. She threatened to call the police if I went, but I went anyway. He still hadn’t slept. But he was calm. I could see the part of him that was my husband battling with the crack head who hadn’t slept in nearly fourteen days.

Soon after we were arrested and as I said he changed in jail. And when he came home, though we began using again, our relationship was better than it had ever been. He realized, during those seven months I talked to him EVERYDAY on the phone twice, during those seven months I wrote him EVERYDAY at least once. I kept money in his account. I sent him puzzles and magazine tear outs. I visited him every week three times. I paid ridiculous amounts of money to sneak him in cigarettes. He saw the love I had for him. And I saw it in his love letters, poems, pictures and cards he sent me.

My mother however still hated him, and I can’t explain how it happened, but he did prove to her over time that he was not that man who had held me captive in that car that night. It took a long, long time, but my mother loves him. My mother brags to people how in love we are…

and we are.

However we were both using, and up until a few months ago we had no plans to stop. But our relationship was regressing. Never to as bad as it was because he never touched coke or crack again, but we were ruining our families, he wasn’t the father he used to be and he was slipping back into those paranoid dillusions that had caused us so many problems before.

And so in early January I got back on the mathdone program I had dropped out of months before. I was convinced for months that it was only because he was still using that I was using. In early February something happened, he wasn’t spending as much time with me, every day, as he was before. He was different. I thought it was me. I thought I was losing him. I also didn’t have a car and any means to transport him from my house to his house where he had custody of his kids and lived with them and his mother and ex step father. Without being able to get him home to watch the kids every day he had to stay at home with the kids, but something was different. I broke down on Valentines day and wrote him a note in his card expressing my fears, he conveyed that it wasn’t that, at all, that he loved me as much as he ever had, but something else was going on.

He called me the Friday before Monday the 22. Said that he had been accepted into the program he was trying to get into. I said great, I’m so excited! I was under the impression it was an outpatient clinic like the one I was in. I was wrong. Its inpatient, he siad suddenly. I start Monday… I was speachless… I was stunned…

I have been to several inpatient facilities in the past two years, since my former fiance had been murdered, which is what got me on heroin again, and in all those places I was umnable to use a phone for the first week, got visits one a week for hours… this is how I imagined the place my Hubby would be going…

I drove him downtown Baltimore on that Monday and it was the best thing that happened to us. I visit with him seven days a week, he lives in a halfway house in the city and loves it, he follows a program and has been clean since I dropped him off…

I however am now forced to face my own demons. I had said since I joined the meth program again that I was only using because Hubby still was and could stop anytime. Well, now he has sixteen days clean and i have two. I’m still struggling, but he doesnt know that.

Thats alot more than I meant to write, and I have to go now, but that is most of the background info needed to follow the story from here on out…